


Harry Potter and the Last Deatheater

by dearoctopuswriting



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Corruption, Deatheater, F/M, Future, Ministry of Magic, Spoof, last deatheater
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 09:21:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8572909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearoctopuswriting/pseuds/dearoctopuswriting
Summary: Told from Ron's perspective for a change, it is set two years after the fateful Battle of Hogwarts. Harry and Ron have been given apprenticeships with the Ministry of Magic's Law Enforcement department. Just two minutes after arresting Draco Malfoy to await trial, Ron and Harry have been asked to travel all the way to Edinburgh to catch the last remaining Deatheater. But it's not who you think it is...





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a spoof of the Harry Potter series, so there may be some inaccuracies that I have kept in for comedic value. 
> 
> I love the Harry Potter series. I watched the film series as a child, and have enjoyed reading the books later as an adult.   
> So this spoof is coming from a loving place. 
> 
> If this is a concept that you are unable to grasp, then I suggest you don't read this story.

Times have been strange since the Battle of Hogwarts two years ago. There were big political changes- the wizards and witches demanded for key members of the Ministry of Magic to go on trial. Because of the sheer loss of life since You-Know-Who’s return and the sacking of corrupt individuals, the Defence Against the Dark Arts (and Defence Against Corrupt Wizardry) were running low on staff and had a limited budget. So me and Harry were taken on as apprentice Aurors. Our pay is a bit crap, and we have to pay for our own transport but hey it’s experience.

We helped to catch the crooks and fugitive Deatheaters. Now Voldemort is dead- for good this time- the Death Eaters are just skulking somewhere wishing for the dark lord’s return. And our department hunt them down, smoke them out their burrows and send them to Azkaban. Well, the boss says that but sometimes they’re too difficult and evil for that so we just have to kill them. (Not with the unforgivable curses, with guns. I mean, we’re the good guys we don’t use illegal spells.) Azkaban has been renovated, because the inspectors deemed it unfit for wizard habitation so now its all central heating, hot meals, four walls sissy crap. They’re too bloody pampered. There was also a big health and safety enquiry at Hogwarts, which they thankfully survived. Oh, and Harry’s still fucking Ginny, the sly fox.

Speaking of crooks, I just captured Draco Malfoy and put him in a holding cell while he awaits trial. I’d never taken pleasure in using a restraint spell and arresting people before, but this was sweet karmic justice! For all the years he bullied me, Harry, Ginny, Hermione, and strutted around like he owned the place? He had it bloody well coming!

But no doubt my “mentor”, Gordon Blunderby will take all the credit for this high-profile case. He has the Daily Prophet reporter Rita Skeeter at his ankles, just waiting to hump his leg. Like while I’m interrogating the little weasel, she will be interviewing him about the valiant chase and gallant capture. He’ll be saying about how he did it single-handedly, preening back

He’s my supposed ‘mentor’ but he’s crap. I mean, take for example when we went to capture Malfoy last week. It was me who did the restraint spell and put him in the van. I was too busy questioning that little weasel when paparazzi came out the bushes and started interviewing Gordon. He will be no doubt telling all about how he did it single-handedly, preening his black and grey hair and flashing his unbearably white teeth. The bastard. He’s all talk, and really good on paper but fuck he doesn’t do anything but drive the van. At least he doesn’t have the wits to use memory charms, like that Professor Lockhart I can’t wait until I’m assigned a different partner.

We drop Malfoy at the Wizarding Police Station, and then go upstairs to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. I get to sit at my desk for two minutes, barely enough time to check my bloody emails, when the phone rings. Lee Jordan, the boss’s secretary, calls me into the office. As I walk past, I notice that Gordon is still looking at himself in the mirror. He must not have been informed. Result! I knock on the boss’s door, with Sergeant Amelia Bones gummed on in black capital letters on the foggy glass window.

“Come in!” she shouts.

I open the door. She asks me to take a seat. She has a grave look on her face. I see Harry Potter sitting in the grey chair next to mine. I nod at him, he nods back.

“Boys, we have a new unforeseen threat…”

“Hold on a minute, that can’t be right.” Harry says. “Gordon just apprehended Malfoy’s mother. We have the last death eater.”

Bloody hell, Skeeter’s gossip travels fast.

“That’s… now not quite true. My sources have told us that a powerful, deadly death eater is loose. More powerful than any we’ve ever had to capture before.” Sergeant Bones tells us.

Me and Harry look at each other. I plead, “Bloody hell, please tell me it’s not Voldemort’s son or daughter. That would mean some woman… slept with with that nose-less freak.”

“Please don’t mention his name in my office, Weasley.”

I apologize.

“We don’t know who this death-eater is, their identity remains a mystery. But we do know they’re a powerful wizard, and may even destroy the wizarding world if we don’t catch them soon.”

“But why are you telling us this? Why not ask for more experienced aurors like Gordon or Moody?” Harry asks, being the chosen one. I want to roll my eyes.

“Because you two are our only hope. Gordon dabbles in music, and one of his original songs ‘Gangham Style’ became viral, even within the muggle world.” She explains.

Harry isn’t that famous in the Muggle world. Apparently one terrible song from a middle aged man garners more fame than defeating the evilest wizard of all time in mortal combat. I look over at Harry, who looks back at me with a thoroughly confused glint in his eye.

“The others are still pursuing cases of unknown spells. You’re our only hope.” She continues. “Besides, there’s also all that stuff you did at the Battle of Hogwarts…”

“Oh yeah, that.” Harry reminisces. “When I killed the dark lord…”

“So where should we start looking?” I asked, before Harry indulges in his own superiority.

“Their last sighting was in Edinburgh.” The boss informed us. “You are to get the train, the vans will look to suspicious…”

“Because the death eater will know we’re trying to capture it?” Harry suggested.

“Err… no. Two men in smart suits driving a white transit van may look out of place in the muggle world. You could be mistaken for illegal potion dealers or kiddie fiddlers.” Said the Sergent. “Use this”

She hands Harry what looks like a jewelled egg. “What is this?” he asks.

“Oh it’s the latest thing.” The boss quivered. “It’s a Catch-o-matic 2000. Invented by Mr Syphillus Locketcrotch last year to help catch death eaters and other criminals. You will need it, Potter.”

Catch-o-bloody-matic? This was around last year when I was using dirty white vans and restraint spells? Bloody hell!

“There’s a direct train tonight from Hogwarts to Edinburgh at 6pm. I suggest you take it. We don’t know where they are going and what their intent are. The wizarding world, and my retirement fund, is counting on you.” The boss informs us. “Good luck boys!”

Oh great. Not in the building two bloody minutes before I’m on another, even longer assignment. Oh well, at least I’m working with Harry this time and not Gordon. But fuck, Hermione is going to kill me. We had a date night planned tonight. She took the day off and everything! I know she’ll probably be spending my work day buried in books, but by God she is going to kill me.

Bloody death eaters! I swear, once this one will be arrested, another one will pop up out of nowhere, another bastarding spawn of Voldemort. They’re going to be the death of me.

TO BE CONTINUED

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a Skrawl writing challenge where participants were asked to submit entries to the story. However, I never wrote anything for that challenge on time, so I ended up just making my interpretation my own standalone piece. 
> 
> I've tried to make it as accurate as I can, however there may be some inaccuracies. Its one of the first fanfic that isn't a flash or a drabble I've wrote so forgive the inaccuracies.


End file.
